Etiquette: Addressing Wedding Invitations

When preparing your guest list, many questions are likely to arise regarding formal salutations and address etiquette. Here is a guideline of common addressing situations.

Married couple with no children invited
Outer: Mr. and Mrs. Robert Smith
Inner: Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Married couple with children ages 12-17 invited
Outer: Dr. and Mrs. George Peterson
Inner: Dr. and Mrs. Peterson and Miss Jane Peterson

~ Note: Children over the age of 18, but still living with their parents should receive a separate invitation. Also, the phrase “and family” should not be used in formal addresses. ~

Married couple with children under 12 invited
Outer: Mr. and Mrs. David Schwartz
Inner: Mr. and Mrs. Schwartz and
Master Schwartz
Miss Schwartz

~ Note: Children under 12 should not be mentioned on the outer envelope ~

Unmarried Couple
Outer: Ms. Susan Cunningham
Mr. Richard Vient
Inner: Ms. Cunningham
Mr. Vient

~ Note: The woman should be listed first. ~


Single man with guest
Outer: Mr. Stephen Hart
Inner: Mr. Hart and Guest

Single woman with guest
Outer: Ms. Lauren Anderson
Inner: Ms. Anderson and Escort

~Note: The word escort may be replaced with the word “guest” if desired. The word guest/escort should never appear on an outer envelope. If you are certain you know who the guest will be, include their name on the inner envelope rather than referring to them as "guest." ~

Married doctors with the same last name
Outer: Doctor Jane Eckhart and Doctor Thomas Eckhart
The Doctors Eckhart

~ Note: The woman should be addressed first, and Doctor is spelled out, not abbreviated ~

Married couple where both use different last names
Outer: Mrs. Beth Hermann
Dr. Bradley Jones
Inner: Mrs. Hermann
Dr. Jones

~ Note: Both names appear on both envelopes on separate lines – the woman should always be the first line ~

Widow
Outer: Mrs. William Edwards
Inner: Mrs. Edwards

Male Judge
Outer: The Honorable and Mrs. John Baker
Inner: Judge and Mrs. Baker

Female Judge
Outer: The Honorable Chelsea Dennis and Mr. Charles Dennis
Inner: Judge Dennis and Mr. Dennis

You can also Download this information for your convenience.

These etiquette "rules" apply for formal correspondences and are more subjective when sending informal invitations or when only using one envelope/outer envelope only. Should you have any questions, please feel free to email me.

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Black Ink vs. Blue Black Ink

When skimming through etiquette books and wedding websites, one will find countless references to ink color. black ink...no, blue black ink...black ink is preferable...blue black ink is warmer (can ink actually be warmer!?!)

Needless to say, the verdict is up in the air on what color your official correspondences should be in. In this day and age with official correspondences being few and far between and with style matters reigning more than ever, the choice is yours.

Here are the general rules I tend to follow:

Formal wedding and your invitations are black and/or white = Black Ink
Formal wedding and colored invitations = Blue Black Ink or dark ink in a coordinating color
Informal Wedding = Blue Black Ink or choose an ink color to match your invitations

Here are some samples of the Black Ink and Blue Black Ink side by side:

Do you see the difference? The Blue Black Ink is on the left. Here is a close up:

If you have any ink color questions, please feel free to comment or email me.


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Recently I cam across this great new blog called 44 Forks. Here, Nick Cernis, a writer in the UK, explors questions of etiquette in our lives today. This is hilariously funny and topics range from forks to facebook. Swing over and check out his latest etiquette posting!

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11th Day of Christmas

You didn’t think my 12 days of Christmas would stop at 10 did you? The next two posts will be the post Christmas wrap up, guiding you though the days following the whirlwind holiday (or wedding) weekend.

How do you recover from the holidays with etiquette and poise? The first thing you need to do is make a list (before you forget any important details). Write down each gift, who it was from, and why you like or appreciate it. My best intention is to keep a list while I am receiving gifts, but this is not always easy so I make a routine of jotting thoughts down as I put things away. New socks, thank you mother-in-law. Delicious coffee and homemade peppermint brownies, thank you Aunt Robin and Uncle Bobby.

Now let’s tackle the task of writing the thank you note, and all the questions that come with it! First, remember that everyone has written a thank you note at some point or another, so you are not alone. Things to remember before you start:

- The thank you note is about expressing thanks, so remember to emphasize this
- The thank you note should be about the gift giver, not you. (try to limit the use of “I” or “we”)
- Be sure to mention why the gift is special and/or how you will use it
- All thank you’s should be hand written and hand addressed. No short cuts allowed for this gesture. And no e-mail thank you’s allowed!
- A thank you note need not be long, only thoughtful.

Who should you write a thank you note for?
Everyone. Anyone who gives you a gift, or opens their home as a host to you during the holidays should receive a gift. The one exception: there is no need to send a thank you for a thank you. For example, you are hosting Christmas dinner, and a guest show up with a bottle of wine. This hostess gift is an expression of gratitude and you should not send a thank you.

How long do you have after receiving a gift to send your thank you note?
The rules for this vary, but the sooner the better. I try to get my Christmas thank you note done the weekend after new years. A month is a good guide, but do not fret, a late note is always better than no note at all.
Wedding Tip: I took the week after my honeymoon off from work. This time helped me get established in our new home and also provided ample time to write my thank you notes almost immediately.

How do you get through a long list of thank you’s to write?
It is best to break up your thank you note writing into a few sessions, particularly if you have more than 10 notes to write. You want to be sure that each note is heartfelt and that your words do not get stale. Schedule a few different days to write your notes, and provide yourself an incentive to get each batch done. Here is a tip from Emily Post: “Take the time to yourself for writing out thank-you notes: don’t try and wedge it in between laundry, a TV show and extra work from the office. You’ll be able to think more clearly and your focus will translate to the page. Above all, try to enjoy yourself. Giving thanks shouldn’t be a chore—and doesn’t have to be if you make the effort to keep it interesting.”


A Thank you note has six parts. Follow these steps and you should get through your thank you notes with poise and etiquette in no time.

1. Greeting:
Be sure to write “Dear__(insert name)______,” This is really the only greeting line format you should use, all other formats are too informal for a thank you.

2. Say Thank You:
The first two words in the body of your note should be “Thank you…”
For example: Thank you so much for the slippers. Thank you for opening your home and hosting Christmas Dinner.

Beware: Never directly mention money. Instead of saying, ‘Thank you for the hundred bucks’ write, ‘Thank you for your generosity.’

Other useful phrases:
Thank you for your kindness.
Thank you for your hospitality.
Your generosity is greatly appreciated.
You were so thoughtful. (notice the emphasis on the gift giver/the person who you will be sending this thank you note to)

3. Explain why the gift is great or how it will be used:
Say something nice about the item and how you will use it. “The slippers are so comfortable, I wear them all the time.” If the gift was monetary, discuss how it might be used. “We look forward to putting your gift towards a new DVD player.”
Beware: Do Not Lie
Even if you do not care for a gift, you must be thankful for it. Find the one thing about them that’s nice and discuss it—but don’t get carried away.
For example: “Thank you for the sweater, it will certainly be warm for the winter.” Is more honest than, “Thank you for the sweater; I cannot wait to wear it.”


4. Focus on the Gift Giver
For example, “It was great to see you over the holidays, and we look forward to seeing you again soon.” Or “We missed seeing you for Christmas; perhaps we could get together this spring.”
Or if there are someone you will not likely see for a while mention that you think about them, “You are in my thoughts and I hope you are well.” Or, “We wish you the best in the coming year.”


5. Say Thank You (yes, again!)
Thanks again for your gift.
It’s not overkill to say thanks again. So say it.


6. Close the Letter
Here are some useful phrases for your closing:
Love,
Warm wishes,
Yours truly,
With love,
Warm regards,
Sincerely,

Then sign your name and you’re done. Just be sure to use a closing that is an appropriate representation of your relationship with the gift giver. (Tip: Don’t use “love” or “yours truly” for co-workers)

Today's Wedding Etiquette

It cannot be denied, navigating the wedding invitation etiquette is no easy task. From proper wording, to questions about what to send to whom and to how to reply, here are some helpful etiquette lessons that we could all stand to learn:

Q: When should invitations be sent? How long should you allow for guests to reply?

A: Invitations should hit the mail 6-8 weeks prior to the date of nuptials. This gives your guests plenty of time to make arrangements, but not enough time to {gasp} forget. You should set the RSVP date 3-4 weeks before the wedding date, understanding that some guests may respond immediately and others may respond past the deadline. This gives you extra time to round up those final RSVPs. It also allows you ample time to finalize the headcount, seating chart, etc. before you are down to the wire in your final week. Although not all engagements allow for this time frame, at the very least you should provide guests five weeks advance notice, and request their response two weeks before your big day.

Q: Who should get a wedding announcement?

A: Announcements should be used after the wedding to let friends, family, and possibly professional colleagues who were not invited to the wedding know about your nuptials. These should be sent within a week after your wedding. To ensure the timely mailing of these announcements, elicit the help of a detail-oriented friend.

Exception: If you are getting married in the late fall, you can couple this with your holiday greeting card, but it should be sent to everyone, including wedding guests. However, this would not work for a spring wedding – the announcement would come too late and would appear awkward.

Q: How do you not invite everyone? What about two receptions?

A: I subscribe to the all or nothing mentality. If you are inviting one of your friends from your close circle, you should invite them all. If you are including one next door neighbor, you should include the other, especially if any of the wedding events will be held at your home. Even if you are certain that someone will not be able to attend, it is proper to invite them. A wedding is a celebration, and people want to join.

If you have a large contingent of guests in one area, who will likely be unable to attend your wedding, it is appropriate to consider having a second reception or party after you return from your honeymoon. Examples of when this may be appropriate: you or your spouse are involved in a leadership position in an organization but do not want everyone at your wedding; you or your spouse have a pocket of family far away; you or your spouse have a large number of colleagues and business acquaintances who are on the fence for the invite list.

Q: How do you convey a formal occasion for an afternoon event?

A: One of the best indicators that a wedding is formal or informal is the invitation itself. To covey that an event is formal, skip the DIY invitations and rely on the traditional, possibly oversized, invitation. As you flip though invitation ideas, it will become apparent which ones are formal, and which are not. Your guests should pick up on this subtlety. If you are still concerned that a sundress will be donned, make note that your nuptials are a formal occasion on your wedding website, and ask your bridal party to spread the word.

Q: Do all of the invitations have to be mailed? Is it appropriate to hand out invitations or to convey the invitation via phone or e-mail?

A: There is a very different feel to receiving an invitation in the mail instead of having it handed to you or conveyed over the phone. Your wedding is a special event that you have put thought and effort into, especially in terms of the people you invite. Taking the time and effort to compose and mail an invitation to each guest lets them know that their presence is important to you. Why else would you invite them to such a significant and personal event? Barring extreme circumstances, (your close friend who was thought lost at sea is rescued and returns home hours before your wedding) all invitations should be sent through the mail. Even if your wedding is an informal barbeque and you want to keep things casual, it’s still different from a Fourth of July weekend bash. It’s your wedding. Take this opportunity to acknowledge its importance.

Q: Can the outside envelope addresses be printed by a desktop printer as long as you use a fancy font?

A: You should never print addresses with a computer. No matter the excuse, addresses should always be handwritten. This rule applies to all items that you mail regarding your wedding from the very first engagement announcement to the very last thank you note. Remember, a wedding is a once in a life time event, and your invitation should suggest this. (Still considering the printer option? Just think about how many pieces of junk mail you or your employer receives with “pretty” printed addresses.)

If it's a matter of not enough time or poor handwriting, hire a professional. If hiring a professional is not in your budget, enlist the help of family who have handwriting you admire. A wedding invitation is the most formal and proper piece of mail that your guests likely receive

Q: Do you put a return address on the wedding invitations?

A: You don't necessarily have to have the return address printed on the envelope when you order your invitations, (as this will likely increase the cost of your invitations) but a return address should be included on the back flap. This can either be handwritten, or you can purchase an embosser or return address stamp (only if it is formal) to use.

FYI: The return address should be that of the person whom you've designated to receive response cards. The response card envelope or postcard should be printed with this address. (P.S. Don’t forget the postage stamp)

Today's Wedding Etiquette

Are you saving for your first home? Are you paying for your wedding yourself? Are you or your spouse bringing considerable debt to the relationship?

There are time in life when "just cash" would be absolutely wonderful. Unfortunately, telling excited guest that you really don't want another crock-pot is not very nice. The best way to go about ensuring you get mostly cash on your big day is to give your guests something to be excited about.


Try one of these tips to up your odds or receiving some dough:

"We are so excited to be embarking on our new life together and are eagerly saving up for a home. It would be wonderful if you could help us to reach this goal!" *this implies give me cash* Use this phrase on shower invites, your wedding website, and even the information card, just not on the actual invite!

There are now many ways that you can incorporate paying for your wedding into your registry. Now many photographers and even honeymoon resorts offer you the option of setting up an account which guests can contribute to and then you pay the final remaining balance. This is a great way to allow family and friends to contribute to costs without actually asking for handouts. {note: these services vary so you will have to check with local vendors}

If you would really like a few large pieces of furniture, but know your guests won't go for the splurge, register at the furniture store for a few small items and gift cards. This will help you accumulate some cash to buy that comfy sofa {and allow you to toss the futon sooner}.

Have someone else do the dirty work. Get a friend or family member to spread the word about your situation to the wedding guests. Be sure to pick someone lovable as the message might not be exactly what people are expecting to hear!

If you don't want gifts at all because you simply don't need any more money or stuff {lucky you}. Find a cause for people to give to. One place to jump start your search: Kiva - an organization that helps facilitate micro-loans for entrepreneurs.